I was sitting up late last night, desperately searching for something to watch – since the North Carolina/Rutgers game provided all the excitement of watching toenails grow – and came across a channel replaying some of the Summer Olympics. Now, I’m not much of an Olympics fan, but after flipping it on I did notice a couple of things that got me stirred up. Did you know they give Olympic medals for speed walking, something called ‘rhythmic gymnastics,’ and – I swear I’m not making this up – trampoline?
Just what in the heck are you supposed to do on a trampoline to earn a medal? And are we so bored as a society that there are enough people watching to have it register on the ‘Who Gives a $@#%’ scale?
Can’t you just see a 20-yr Beijing Olympian reunion…
“Oh hi, Mr. Phelps. Nice to meet one of the world’s greatest athletes of all times. Your 8 gold medals are still looking sharp.”
“Why thank you, sir. A lifetime of training and a commitment to being the best really paid off… I see you have one of your own. How’d you earn it?”
“I jumped on a trampoline. Really, really good.”
I’m afraid to even think about what rhythmic gymnastics entails. It sounds like the title to a bad 70’s porn flick. And speed walking may be the dumbest sport ever conceived by mankind. Ignoring the fact that God creating running as the preferred means for us to move quickly from start to finish, the participants are supposed to move as fast as possible toward the finish line without lifting more than one foot off the ground at a time (keeps them from running). This has the result of elongating an event that normally takes seconds into an hour long torture session for both the participants and the viewing audience.
So, as always, I got to thinking about ways to improve the Olympics, and something hit me right out of the blue – why isn’t fishing in the Olympics? People fish world wide, and there are medals a-plenty for the taking. Of course there would be the largest fish, most fish, heaviest bag o’ fish, etc. But we could also add a few other goodies as well:
Best cast – How many times have you been fishing and made THE perfect cast, only to come away un-rewarded? A cast you thought you’d never be able to make, but you had to try because you just KNEW a fish was there. When the lure of your choice lands exactly where you wanted it – under the overhang, betwixt the lily pad and tree top spines, without getting hung up – you tense, just knowing a fish is about to explode on it, only to have it come back with nary a nibble. Well now, thanks to this brilliant sports endeavor, that cast might result in a gold medal to take back to the bait shop.
Best fall in the river – “Milo, he showed pretty good form with that foot slipping out and, briefly, reaching over top of his head, but didn’t seem to have the best split over the slippery rocks on the fall.” “That’s true, Buck, but I think he should get extra points for degree of difficulty, since he’s wading in flip flops.”
Most horrific backlash – If you’ve ever spent more than 5 minutes bass fishing, you have fallen victim to the inevitable backlash on a baitcaster. I’ve had a few of them that were so large and fowled up birds tried to nest in them. Imagine what you create if you TRIED to do it…
Best hookset not resulting in a catch – My favorite in this event is having your lure too close to the boat when you spring every muscle in you arms, upper chest and back into a set, only to watch you bait explode from the water as the speed of light, headed right for your face. Other goodies include hooksetting yourself completely out of the boat (falling off the back side), or the old ‘Hookset good enough for a 15 lb bass, but given to a 4 ounce bluegill,’ resulting in said bluegill rocketing across the lake in a beautiful parabola. You can almost hear him scream…
Best tangle in a tree – I woulda won this hands-down if the competition was on the Flint River a couple days back. On a backcast with my trusty fly rod, I wound my line through and around branches in a dreamweaver-like pattern Michaelangelo himself would’ve been proud off. I’ve also managed to hang into a tree, carefully remove the hang up, while maintaining balance in the middle of the river, only to rehang at the exact same spot a couple seconds later.
I’m certain there are many, many other medals we could create in this Olympic sport, and I think it’s high time we petition the games committee to have them added. After all, if you can rhythmically gymnast yourself into a medal, I’m certain a falling split over moss covered river rock should be found worthy…